Convincing the Boss to Cough Up For Anti-Spam Software

Ah, there's nothing like starting the day with a steaming cup of coffee, a chocolate doughnut... and a stinking mountain of spam.

It seems like your company's anti spam filter lets almost all your daily spam right through. They may as well send an invitation. And so instead of enjoying your breakfast while reading up on the latest antics of Paris Hilton and the Middle East, you get to filter your emails, instead. Going through what feels like a billion spam emails to fish out anything that's real work... what fun.

By the time you're finished, your chocolate doughnut has gone unsavored and you're left wondering if all those "Miracle Diet Pill!" emails are trying to tell you something about the affect your daily doughnut is having on your body.

Sorting through mountains of spam eats up time that could be better spent screwing off at work-- or, hey, even working. And while your company probably has a spam filter in place, unless they really work at keeping their software updated you're going to be bombarded with spam. After all, just because spammers are the scum of the earth doesn't mean they're stupid... they know their way around sub-par anti spam software.

Chances are, your manager doesn't realize that your current software is outdated-- he never checks his emails, anyway. But he does care that your time is being wasted with spam when you could be getting some work done. Want to make your boss sit up and take notice of the problem? Give him a poetic sampling of what you deal with each day.

Thousands of customers, meds online
Improved performance, for yours and mine
Oh, the temptation
And stubborn persuasion

Fine watches, all for cheap
Discounts on brands, no price too steep
All that distraction
For just a fraction

Here's the best deal we'll ever make
Improved performance for me, better results for you - have and eat that cake!
I swear it's no scam
JUST GET RID OF ALL THAT SPAM!

Your boss may ask you where you found the time to write up stupid poems about spam when you should be working-- just tell him you cribbed it from Shakespeare. He won't know.

Did you put your heart and soul into your "Spam Hurts" poem, but feel like it got you nowhere? Give the boss a real taste of how much spam eats up your time by forwarding him all of your spam messages. Sure, you'll look like sort of a jerk, but... it'll probably work.

If it doesn't, you may want to think about taking your boss out to that famous Monty Python restaurant offering "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked Beans, and Spam" to accentuate your point.

All jokes aside, dealing with heaps of spam is counterproductive-- and that's not something your boss wants. With all the cutting edge anti-spam software available, there's no reason for you to spend your busy days sifting through spam-- a good spam filter deals with it for you. And if getting more work out of you doesn't convince your boss to opt for better spam software... well, nothing will. If that happens, take a few extra minutes in the morning to enjoy your doughnut and your daily Paris Hilton gossip, guilt free. Your boss deserves unproductive employees.

Jes Darmanin